Posted: 5/2/2014 | Relationships	Comments
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If you’re in a long-term committed relationship or marriage, then whatever difficulties arise can be worked out if both partners are willing to do all that’s necessary. It takes the ability to be honest with yourself and having a partner who’s also willing to be honest with themselves. Life has challenges for everyone, and relationships bring up our deepest woundedness and vulnerabilities.  Being in a relationship is a wonderful opportunity to grow and change.

That being said, when you’re at the beginning of a relationship, what do you consider unacceptable and a sign you might not want to go much further? For many, finding out the person they’re dating isn’t telling the truth is a big red flag. So, what are the unforgivable lies in a dating relationship?

When you meet someone, hopefully you’re willing to be aware and awake to all that’s going on. While there’s no need to reenact the Spanish Inquisition, you do want to ask good, smart questions and get to know the person you’re dating. If you’ve done that, and have also challenged any of your own blind spots, you’re less likely to end up in an extremely difficult relationship. 

If you meet someone and suspect they’re not telling the truth about certain aspects of their life, let your ears perk up and ask questions. If someone is lying about something, it might be helpful to understand why they’re not being truthful.

Life is measured in degrees. Lying also comes in degrees and is not necessarily black or white, all or nothing. If someone you love asks you a question and you know they’re insecure about what your answer might be, you might want to reassure them by not saying the harsh, black or white truth. An example might be, if your girlfriend asks you how she looks in a certain red outfit and you don't think it's great for her figure right now, you might want to say, "I really like you in red, but I think you have some outfits that look even better on you than that red dress." You are softening the answer. Or you might say to your partner, "I like your mother just fine," when she might not be your favorite person.

Having said that, some lies are not all right and are deal breakers. For example:

1) Lies about relationship status. Says, “Yes, I'm single”... when they’re not. I think this is self-explanatory. The same goes for saying, “I’m in the process of getting a divorce,” when they’re not. Or, “It’s been over for a long time and she/he just can’t let go,” when they’ve been calling them all along. Or saying, “They’re just a friend,” when it’s not true. If it smells fishy, it probably is.

2) Lies about health. Says, “I’ve been tested and have no sexually transmitted diseases,” when they do have one or haven’t been tested. Wow, putting someone's health at risk is definitely not all right. I wouldn't get near them with someone else's ten foot pole. Hopefully, you will see the signs that indicate they might not be honest before you trust them with your life. That’s why it’s a good idea to wait a while before jumping into bed, and especially before you have unprotected sex.

3) Lies to other people. You might hear them lying to other people, saying things you know aren’t true. Just remember, when they lie to others, they’re capable of lying to you. As I’ve said, lying is in degrees. So pay attention to what you hear. Why haven't they paid their taxes or called the government to start a payment arrangement, and why are they lying about it? Are they too scared, feel ashamed, have no money to start paying, or are they trying to get by with something? What are their plans around this? Are they lying to deceive someone in an attempt to get something from them, or is it that they just can’t figure out how to say “No” to someone or to say, “I'm sorry, I don't disclose those kinds of things,” so they lie about it instead.

4) Lies about station in life. Says, “Mom lives with me,” when they live with Mom. Or they drive up in a fancy car and you learn it’s not theirs. Or she lies about her education, job, or what she does for a living. Or he doesn’t tell you he has children that he needs to support.

5) Lies regarding ones’ whereabouts. Says, “That wasn’t me you saw,” or “My Smartphone died.” Many people who cheat while in a relationship have to really tell tall tales about where they are. I just heard about a girlfriend, recently, who put some kind of app on her boyfriend’s phone and found out he was cheating with his high school sweetheart.  

If you choose to get to know someone who has trouble with the truth, it might help to understand why they lie. What is it that’s behind the lying, and are they willing to work on this to change it?

If being with liars and cheaters is a pattern for you, you might want to see where this comes from in your own childhood and history.

Please share your thoughts. Your comments make a difference for us all.

photo credit David Costillo Dominici via FreeDigitalPhotos.net