Posted: 8/27/2014 | Relationships	Comments
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I’m sure that you have heard it said many times that “relationships are all about communication.”  It seems simple enough to agree with that statement, but what does it really mean when people say that? There are as many different answers as there are people in relationships. This can be confusing for many and therein lies the rub.  

Communication might seem as simple to us as talking. Sometimes that is true. Talking about what you are seeing and hearing around you is a part of communication, but it also goes deeper than that. Becoming more curious about the world as well as our thoughts and feelings about it, helps us communicate not just from the surface of life but also what’s in our hearts and minds.

The Oxford Dictionary defines curiosity as “the strong desire to know or learn something; inquiry.” Communication is the “successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings.”
Notice the keys include “strong desire” and “successful conveying or sharing.”  Life will be easier, richer, and fuller if you can tap into a strong desire to better understand your partner, to learn about their inner thoughts and feelings, and hopefully they will want to learn more about yours.

It all begins with you. As well as becoming curious about your partner, it’s helpful to become more curious about yourself. You want to be curious about your own thoughts and feelings and how they might connect in any given moment to what is happening around you and in the relationship.

If you find you are reacting instead of responding, ask yourself what you are feeling. Then allow your own curiosity to arise as you wonder why you might be feeling the way you are, and what it is from your own past experiences that connects in some way with what’s going on.  

Paying close attention to your own inner life makes it easier to successfully share your feelings and inner desires in order to strengthen and deepen your relationship.

Allow yourself to become sincerely curious about your partner. When you find yourself in a disagreement, allow the curious mature part of you to sincerely seek a greater understanding of the other person.

If this is a new relationship, you will have much to learn about this person, what they experience, their inner landscape, and what makes them tick.

If this is a long term relationship, you have the opportunity to deepen and learn even more about this beloved person. If you find yourself becoming defensive, breathe deeply, and again become more curious about what is happening for them as you stay open to yourself.

More than words. Communication, as we have seen, is more than talking about the man who just passed you on the street or where you have to be on Saturday. Communication is also beyond words.

There are many ways to communicate as we connect with others. We do it through spoken language, body language, tone of voice, energy, and more subtleties, as we are able to perceive them.

Sometimes our words are not congruent with our other forms of communication. You may be saying one thing with your mouth, but conveying another with your body or behavior. Smiling while twitching your leg, for example, could reveal that you’re just wanting to get this conversation over with so you can get on with what you want to do.

Using the example of smiling while twitching your leg, what are you feeling as you smile? Anger, sadness, something else? If that foot could talk, what would it be saying? Are you placating someone when you’d rather say something else? Do you need to have this talk later when you can concentrate more fully? What is happening inside of you? Noticing your inner life brings more truth to your communication.

Allowing more curiosity to be present while communicating with others helps relationships become smoother, clearer, and more genuine.

How have you found being more curious helpful in your relationships? Please share your thoughts. Your comments make a difference for us all.

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